Too Fabulous for Words

A Fafillion Things I Hate (in no particular order)

OH HAI.

Have been ridiculously busy lately, which I've noticed has made me hyper-aware of stupid shit that continually happens around here. So I've come up with a half-assed list of STUFF THAT PISSES ME OFF.

Please feel free to delete me off your RSS feed.

1. People who delete me off their RSS feed because I get all ranty on MY website. Dude, if you want all sweetness and light, go read about making cupcakes on some mommyblogger's website.

2. People who continually let me down, even though they promise they never will and yet it happens every single week. Of course, I am too stupid to cut relations with these people because apparently I like banging my head on my desk. OHMAHFUCK.

3. People who make promises and do not follow through. Once, I can deal with. Twice, okay, you were busy. Three times? I NEED MY HEAD EXAMINED.

4. People who divulge your personal information for other's entertainment. WTF.

5. PR People who do not call you back. Isn't it your JOB to call me back? Oh, that's right, you were at lunch.

6. People who let their dogs use my lawn poop on my lawn and just keep walking. You suck.

7. People who continually bitch about the economy, "Oh, poor me and my retirement." and then go out and buy a whole new wardrobe/plasma TV or go to Aruba.

8. The high cost of cereal. It is rice or oats or wheat. Why the fuck is it $4.79 a box? And why do my children eat so much of it?

9. Cats that barf on the my carpet. My house is like 85% wood floors and tile. Why do the cats insist on throwing up on the one thing in the house that is fucking ridiculous to clean? And why do they do it at 3 am, otherwise destroying my dream of me and Gordon Ramsay making out?

10. Douchebags. Enough said.

11. Husbands that ask you to find an invoice that needs to be paid that very day and let you waste 2 1/2 hours of your very busy day, only to find out it's on their computer as a fucking PDF file.

12. Dora the Explorer.

13. Emails from Self.com that insinuate I am out of shape and eating poor meal choices every day.

14. People who call you in order to get you to do something for someone else that they very well could have done them themselves, if they picked up a fucking phone.

15. Vacuuming.

16. Laundry. Where the hell is my naked manservant?

17. People who call and trill "We MUST get together!" and then they are nevar to be heard from again.

18. Colds. Flu. Nausea. Fevers. Bite me.

19. Turning 38 next week. I cannot be 38. That is not possible. Clearly I am still 27. Right? Oh, shut it.

20. Just about everybody on American Idol. I like the cutey black nail polished emo kid, but that's most likely because I am pretty fucking emo these days.

21. People with blue ducks and shit in their house. Hello? It's 1985 calling, they want their decor back.

22. People who talk about social media but are not social themselves. WTF is up with that?

23. Assholes who drive enormous pick-up trucks and have that annoying peeing Calvin on the window. Yeah, dude, I bet your package is incredibly small.

24. People who want you to love their God. How about we keep that shit to ourselves, mmmkay?

25. And finally, not having enough time to blog. I've missed you My Dear Internets. Come over later and let me love you up.

So I Went to Detroit

And probably ruined my liver.

It was totally worth it.

It's not every day you go to the local Wal-Mart and find one of these babies in your stall. Apparently the loving couple could not wait to get home. Most likely they went home on different buses that day. And this was the Wal-Mart the Lisa *assured* me was the nicest one in MI. Yes, it's so nice that all the dudes are bringing their would-be baby mamas there to buy a cheap test.

(I've never seen a used pregnancy test in a Target bathroom. Just sayin'.)

This is my new boyfriend. You'll notice he is unshaven.

We went to the mall to buy ME a purse*, but Lisa is so selfish she bought herself a hat. Don't tell her it's kind of dated. Also? Check out that scarf in the back. I should have convinced her that it was a good match with the hat.

 

When Lisa wasn't looking, which was A LOT, I took pictures of myself in the bathroom. Not that I had a lot of free time. It's just that she was  either passed out, shaving her cat or making eggs. For herself.

We did a lot of eating out. Meat-based meals. We were like dudes, only less hairy and with cuter purses. We had the cutest waiter at Buffalo Wild Wings one night. We were the only chicks there not wearing a Nascar shirt. I think the waiter thought we were lesbians. Which was after he saw me kissing Lisa.

*Speaking of purses, I was in such a hurry to pack, I threw my wallet in my diaper bag and hopped in the car on Thursday. MY DIAPERBAG. Yeaaaah, awesome. So very fashionable.

So we went purse shopping.

And then more purse shopping.

I discovered I really am THE PICKIEST PERSON EVAR.

Eventually I found a black leather Zoe purse. I LOVE IT.

And then Lisa bought a totally cute brown Coach tote. I am going to steal it next time I am there because I will distract Lisa with a bottle of Merlot and cassette mix tape.

Saturday night, Lisa made me go to her sister's party. It was extremely fun, especially when some of the party goers had a grope fest right next to our table. It was like a frat party for 40 year olds.

Thanks for the extremely fun weekend, Lisa. I can't thank you enough for letting me come to your house and sit around and get drunk with you. I can't wait to do it again.

xoxoxo

So I Went to Detroit

And probably ruined my liver.

It was totally worth it.

It's not every day you go to the local Wal-Mart and find one of these babies in your stall. Apparently the loving couple could not wait to get home. Most likely they went home on different buses that day. And this was the Wal-Mart the Lisa *assured* me was the nicest one in MI. Yes, it's so nice that all the dudes are bringing their would-be baby mamas there to buy a cheap test.

(I've never seen a used pregnancy test in a Target bathroom. Just sayin'.)

This is my new boyfriend. You'll notice he is unshaven.

We went to the mall to buy ME a purse*, but Lisa is so selfish she bought herself a hat. Don't tell her it's kind of dated. Also? Check out that scarf in the back. I should have convinced her that it was a good match with the hat.

 

When Lisa wasn't looking, which was A LOT, I took pictures of myself in the bathroom. Not that I had a lot of free time. It's just that she was  either passed out, shaving her cat or making eggs. For herself.

We did a lot of eating out. Meat-based meals. We were like dudes, only less hairy and with cuter purses. We had the cutest waiter at Buffalo Wild Wings one night. We were the only chicks there not wearing a Nascar shirt. I think the waiter thought we were lesbians. Which was after he saw me kissing Lisa.

*Speaking of purses, I was in such a hurry to pack, I threw my wallet in my diaper bag and hopped in the car on Thursday. MY DIAPERBAG. Yeaaaah, awesome. So very fashionable.

So we went purse shopping.

And then more purse shopping.

I discovered I really am THE PICKIEST PERSON EVAR.

Eventually I found a black leather Zoe purse. I LOVE IT.

And then Lisa bought a totally cute brown Coach tote. I am going to steal it next time I am there because I will distract Lisa with a bottle of Merlot and cassette mix tape.

Saturday night, Lisa made me go to her sister's party. It was extremely fun, especially when some of the party goers had a grope fest right next to our table. It was like a frat party for 40 year olds.

Thanks for the extremely fun weekend, Lisa. I can't thank you enough for letting me come to your house and sit around and get drunk with you. I can't wait to do it again.

xoxoxo

It's Been 10 Months, 2 Weeks and 4 days...

*This post was started last month, but I obviously saw something shiny and abandoned it. I'm pretty sure my blog is fucking pissed about being ignored for so long. I'll have to buy it something pretty.

This past year has been hard, man. I know it sounds flippant, but if I really, really tell anybody about it, they are going to headstab themselves in boredom. Apart from me being sick, I think the thing that was the hardest to deal with was that *I* failed.

My body failed on me. I am supposed to be a strong, healthy woman. Instead I spent day after day throwing up repeatedly. I didn't have the energy to dress, much less go out. I was tired. I was spent. I was a complete mess.

I began to be unable to do anything around the house. I failed as a mom. My kids had to rely on my already busy husband for meals and homework help. He had to take over grocery and clothes shopping. He did everything for these kids and so much more.

Thank God for my husband. I definitely failed as a wife. It's a good thing he's impervious to my insanity and managed to put up with me for months and months and months of me not getting better. Frankly, I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd smothered me in my sleep, just so he didn't have to wake up one more day to the sound of my retching.

I failed as a friend. I couldn't keep up. They stopped calling. And while I got angry because "Where's mah support?" was running through my head, I totally can't blame them. Nobody wants to be around a person who looks and feels like shit. Now I don't know how to make amends and the guilt constantly haunts me.

I failed as a blogger. This blog has always been my cheap form of therapy, because Lord knows I'd much rather spend the money on a new purse. In the 8 years that I've been on the intarwebz, I've made some really, really good friends. I'd like to think that they will understand my absence and welcome me back.

In the past two months, my symptoms have abated somewhat. I still throw up 3-4 times a week. I still struggle with eating a whole meal. I still have to force myself to eat. But it's better. Better to the point where I can shower regularly. I can go out and not have to worry where the nearest bathroom is. I can focus on work. I can focus on my family. I can focus on being *me* again, instead of a sick person.

About 7 months ago I met some people on Twitter. They were fun. They were kind. They made me laugh when I desperately needed some laughter in my life. As the months rolled by, these women became good friends. We talk on the phone. We celebrate birthdays and the holidays. I'd like to think that these women saved me from a very deep and very dark abyss of which I was slipping into. (Shut up, I know it's a preposition.) Every day hundreds of emails zip into my inbox as we discuss our daily lives, our injustices and our grievances. (Of which there are many.) Their constant contact has built me up and gotten my head cleared. I know feel that I can plan things in the future and be confident that I can follow through with these plans.

Next week I am getting in the car and driving to Detroit to visit one of these "internet" friends. I am hoping she is not disappointed after meeting me. I know that I won't be disappointed in myself. Because I am finally taking back my life. It may not be perfect, but it's my life and I want to live it. (Yes, I totally stole that Jon and Kate Plus Eight, fuck off.)

So there's your update My Dear Internets. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to telling you. Now to resume some interesting blog posts and quit being so fucking maudlin.

Love,
Kimber

Teen Tuesday

Behold the frightening permed hair and shiny dress.

GAH.

I was clearly a very nerdy 17 year old.

This is All I Know about Oklahoma

When I was growing up in Reno,  my mom had a friend I'll call Carol, because that was her name. She and her husband Mitch had moved to Reno from Oklahoma and Carol worked with mom at place called Ever-Ready French Fry company. They were in the purchasing dept. (No, I am not making this shit up or nor am I high.) Anyway, Carol had two sons, Bobby and Jimmy who were right around my age and I spent many a day at their house, watching Dukes of Hazard, Zoom and Schoolhouse Rock while my mom was getting her freak on with the various weird men that she dated. 

Bobby and Jimmy used to call me Bones because Jimmy was skinny and Bobby was, how can I say this nicely? Fat, he was fat. Anyway, when I was over there, we'd watch TV and play monopoly and all sorts of other gay board games and we'd also play outside in a game we'd call WORMS!. I'd go around the side of the house, Bobby would go in the backyard and Jimmy would stay in the front and we'd all dig up as many worms as we could and then bring them together at the back door and put them in a hole in hopes that the backyard worms would mate with the side of the house worms and the front yard worms and then they would become a giant super worm. Or at least that's what Bobby wanted them to do. I think he just wanted to eventually find a SUPER SIZED WORM so he could eat it.

There was this one time when I was sitting on the lower bunk bed reading a book and Bobby got on his bed, which was over the one I was sitting on and the bed collapsed right onto me and Jimmy was screaming that he couldn't lift the bed and Bobby was all "My bed! My bed!" and I was like "Get BOBBY OFF THE BED YOU MORONS!" and then Carol finally got in their room and rescued me. That was a fun day, because nothing says common sense like PUTTING THE FAT KID ON THE TOP BUNK.

One day, Mike decided to leave his family so he moved back to Oklahoma leaving a newly divorced Carol to survive all by herself. I then found myself over at Bobby and Jimmy's house a whole bunch more, especially when news got back to Reno that Mike had hooked up with an old high school flame, who just happened to be missing her two front teeth and gotten remarried. Suddenly every Friday night, I'd be over at Carol's house while my mom and Carol sat around drinking white zinfandel and extolling the many fine virtues of the toothless wonder.

One of the drags about being over there so much was that I sometimes had to eat dinner there and she always had peas as a side dish and I hate me some peas. And Carol would never let me have dessert unless I ate everything on my plate. Luckily for me, Bobby always sat next to, and like Mikey, Bobby ate everything, including my peas.

As we got into middle school, we didn't see them too much and then one day Carol announced that the boys were going to live with their father in Oklahoma. Invariably, they'd come home for summer vacation and I'd have to go over and see them. Jimmy had started skateboarding and painting his nails black and Bobby was into the ROTC and still fat. Eventually, all I had to endure was news via my mom that the boys had graduated and one went into the Navy and the other into the Army.

Last news I heard was that Jimmy now lives in Virginia with his punk rock wife who Carol despises and who I really should visit one of these years when we drive down to Florida. I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT, MOM. Bobby was married, but his wife left him, but he is finally not fat, so bully for him. He still resides in Oklahoma.

Moral of this story: There are people who live in Oklahoma that have no teeth and their children will most likely be fat, join the military and end up like Carol did. She married a new man named Frank and guess what? He doesn't have any front teeth.

Kookin' with Krabby Kimbah

When the weather gets cold and I'm feeling like crap, I tend to surf websites and cookbooks looking for NOMNOMNOM recipes to make. This weekend in particular I have felt absolutely horrid, so last night I sent the husband to the grocery store armed with a huge list of ingredients.

Five hundred bucks and four phone calls later, the husband made it home and I started dreaming up all the things I wanted to cook.

(Digression #1: I most likely won't be able to eat much if any of this food, but the whole point here is to distract myself. POOR, SAD ME.)

Today, I woke up with a hankering for chicken enchiladas, so after whining that nobody delivers Mexican food in this country, I decided to make my own.

So I give you, my Green Enchiladas:

4 boneless/skinless chicken breasts

2 limes, zested and juiced

2 cloves of garlic

bunch of fresh cilantro

2 tsp. kosher salt

pepper

Add all the above ingredients into a large saute pan and cover with water. Simmer on medium low until chicken is cooked thoroughly. Remove chicken and let cool.

When chicken is cool enough to handle, shred into bite-sized pieces and place in a bowl. Refrigerate while you assemble the following:

2 1/2 c. shredded jack and colby cheeses

1 bunch of green onions, chopped

1 package of flour tortillas

Sauce:

One package frozen spinach, defrosted and well drained

One can cream of chicken soup

One whole tub of sour cream

One can of green chiles

Combine cooled chicky with cheeses and green onions. Fill each tortilla with about 1/3 c. of filling and roll up and place seam side down in a lightly sprayed 13 x9 dish. Continue until pan is full or you get bored.

Place all sauce ingredients in blender and puree until smoothish. Pour over tortillas and spread to cover. Wrap with tin foil and bake for 45 minutes in 350 F oven. Remove tin foil at last ten minutes and sprinkle on a bit more cheese to get all melty if desired.

I am teh suck.

Yes, you don't need to email me and remind me that I haven't updated this crap blog in many, many moons.

I know.

I've got to shake this shit up.

So, in the next few weeks, I'm going to redesign this and hopefully post more idiotic fantastic stories about my lovely little life.

Thanks for all the hand holding, internets. 

Oh, and #SMD.

The One Where I Bore You with Lame Pictures

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Yes, am totally procrastinating. I missed the 1st Friday of the month for mah contest, so I'll add another this week., tonight. Swearsies.

God I'm tired.

This Post Brought to You By the Letter "E"

Today is Emmersen's 2nd birthday,  So instead of posting a big, gay newsletter about her life, I'll leave you with this:

She's the best fecking baby on the planet. Seriously love this kid. Uber smart, no, make that SCARY smart and a real little comedienne. LOVE IT.

Annnd, I'll post some pics of her birthday glee tomorrow. As soon as I find mah stupid camera cord.

Some things to do tomorrow:

1. Finish shopping for Mackie's "friend" sleepover party. Theme: Cupcakes. Me: GAH!

2. Laundry. It's out of hand. AGAIN.

3. Balloons for said sleepover. MUST REMEMBER.

4. Cupcakes. Uhm, essential, no?

5.  Buy bananas.

6. Buy monkey. (Haven't you always wanted a monkeeey?)

Sorry, shit post, AGAIN. I swear mah life will settle down. Soon.

P.S. Love you, Dear Internets. Wanna make out?

No?

Hmmmph.